


Save himself

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Verbal Fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 06:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16697266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: A rewrite of the ending of 13.03





	Save himself

You took a deep breath, hiding away in the kitchen. You hated watching the brothers fight but once in awhile that was how they dealt with things. Or actually this fight was because they dealt with things very differently. Dean needed to push through and he more often than not needed a break from everyone around him, especially from people telling him how he was behaving wrong in those moments.

You got that. You loved him, but that wasn’t the only reason. You were the same in a lot of ways. Where as Sam was rational and composed, trying to figure a way through everything. Using his brain to distract himself, you and Dean were both very emotional. When you had lost your dad, you had run away from everyone and everything. You hated yourself for that now, because Dean had lost him too. See there was were you differed from Dean. He never ever allowed himself to be selfish. He always stayed by the people he loved. He never once left you or Sam, no matter how badly he was hurting himself. Even the few times he had walked away he had allowed himself to get dragged back in before he was ready to face the people he loved again. Dean was selfless, but this time you wanted him to be selfish.

He wasn’t. He was still here. He was still doing things Sam’s way even if he didn’t agree. Yet his brother kept pushing him while you kept your distance. You weren’t sure you were doing the right thing either. Maybe you needed to push him. Let him know that you were here for him, but a small part of you knew that you didn’t have to do that. Even if you gave Dean his space and you had gone back to sleeping in your own room every night, you gave him the chance to stop you every night. You silently communicated that you were there for him whenever he had room for you again. Right now Dean was grieving the loss of Crowley. The loss of his mom he had just learned to forgive. The loss of his best friend, who had been a true constant in his life for year, who had become like a brother to him as much as Sam was.

You weren’t sure Dean knew what he needed from you or anyone right now. Right now he was drinking and keeping everyone at arm’s length. He needed space to mourn the loss of the people he loved, but more than anything he needed the courage to let himself love as completely as he always had again. Loving someone had come to mean heartache to Dean.

“I don’t get it,” Sam grumbled as he entered the kitchen causing you to break free from your thoughts and look up at the Winchester you had come to love like a brother. Your dad had seen them both as sons, but Dean had become so much more than a brother to you. He was your best friend. Your love. Both brothers were your family. Your only family now.

“Get what Sammy?” you sighed looking up at him as he grabbed a beer from the fridge sitting down in front of you.

“How you can sit by and let him treat Jack like this?” Sam asked quietly. “You know as well as I do that he is not evil.”

You glared at Sam for a moment, reminding yourself that he lost as much as you and Dean had even if he was choosing his words poorly in that moment.

“I don’t know that Sam,” you answered, making him look at you in surprise but you continued speaking before he could interrupt. “I don’t believe that he is, but knowing and believing is not the same thing. I believe that he has a choice just like everyone else has. He has a choice because of Dean. Dean never gave up on you, when it was easy to do so. When I almost did. Dean and my dad didn’t. Jack has a choice because all of us made it that way. Because we didn’t let the angels take our free will from us.”

Sam’s expression softened and you knew he thought you were making the same point he had tried to make during his fight with Dean not long ago. “I know that Y/N. He never gave up on me so why is he giving up on Jack so easily? Why are you letting him?”

You closed your eyes composing yourself. You didn’t want to fight with either of the brothers, “I am not letting him do anything,” you spoke softly as you opened your eyes back up to look at Sam. “Free will is not just for some of us. It is for all of is. It is for Dean too. Right now Dean needs a minute to breath. He had been looking out for people his entire life. He has been a brother and a Dad to you from the moment he carried you out of that burning house.”

You could see the guilt on Sam’s face. You weren’t trying to make him feel guilty but you needed him to understand. “Dean has given everything he has for the people he loves all his life. He will keep doing that. He still loves you and me as much as he did before we lost Crowley, Mary and Cas. He hasn’t changed Sam. He is grieving and you need to let him do that in his own way.”

You could sense the frustration in Sam so you got of your chair, moving to sit beside him taking his hand in both of yours, “I am not blaming you for anything Sam. I know the two of you don’t handle loss in the same way and you don’t need too. You just need to let him go through all of this in his own way and in his own time.”

“It’s not Jack’s fault Y/N,” Sam started to rationalize with you and you gave his hand a squeeze stopping him before he could go any further.

“I know that it isn’t. Dean knows that it isn’t and he is not blaming him. You don’t know how much it hurt him when it was you Sam. When it was you lying to him. When he was fighting to make you see what you did was wrong,” you saw the flash of guilt in Sam’s eyes again and you reached out gently running your fingers through his hair. “I am not blaming you Sammy. You are my brother and I love you. Dean loves you and he would do everything all over again in heartbeat. For you. But right now he is broken. He lost so much and I know we have too. We just can’t look to Dean to pick up the pieces this time. Not yet at least. We need to give him a moment, however long it takes to stand back up himself. Right now Dean can’t help us and he can’t help Jack because Dean needs to help Dean.”

Sam stared at you and you could see the tears form in his eyes, and you smiled softly at him, “He is still here Sam and he’ll be Dean again soon. Just don’t force him to let someone else in right now. Dean doesn’t hate Jack. He just can’t allow himself to love him yet. He won’t be able to do what he believes he might have too if he does. He can’t rescue a stranger like he always does right now. Not when it is a stranger he sees you in as much as you see yourself. If he does that he knows there will be no one to stop him if he needs to be stopped. He won’t be able to do what he couldn’t when it was you or even Cas. What we couldn’t do when it was Dean. No matter what people have tried to make him believe over and over again, Dean is not a killer. He does what he has too, but none if it is easy on him. He doesn’t make any choice lightly. He carries every decision he ever made with him. You know that. You need to cut him some slack Sam, but more than that you need to face up to what you are doing.”

Sam’s eyes widened and you could sense the shift in him. He wasn’t just sad anymore he was getting angry with you.

“What I am doing? What exactly is it that I am doing Y/N?” Sam glared at you.

“Dean was right Sam. I know that you care about him. I know that you see yourself in him. I know that you wanna help him. All of that is not a lie, but you are also using him. Jack is afraid of his powers but you want him to control them to get your mom back. If you were really trying to help you would help him get rid of them,” you answered in a soft tone and you saw the realization dawn on Sam’s face.

Sam was a good man. One of the best men you knew, but even good men do things for selfish reasons sometimes. You gave him a small smile before getting off your seat. You were tired. Today, alone. Worrying about Dean away on a hunt on his own even if it was with Jody had taken it’s toll on you.

You kissed the top of Sam’s head hugging him, “Just be honest with him Sam. Maybe helping you is what Jack wants too. It just needs to be his choice and not yours.”

Sam looked up at you and you noticed the shift in him. What you had said had got him thinking, “I don’t even know if we can chain his powers Y/N.”

“No,” you tugged his hair, playfully just like you always had when you were kids. “But you also won’t know if you never look for a way. You don’t have to do it, but if you can Jack deserves to know.”

“Y/N,” Sam called after you and you stopped in the doorway to the kitchen, looking back at him. “Sometimes Dean doesn’t know what he needs. Go see him tonight?” You were just about to object when Sam smiled, “Free will I know. But he won’t find comfort in a bottle. He will in you, Y/N/N. He needs you. Even if I don’t always understand him as well as I think I do I do know that.”

It was now your turn to have tears pool in your eyes and you gave Sam a small nod, before leaving the kitchen. You had every intent of going to your own room, as you headed down the hall. Right up until the moment you reached Dean’s door. You knocked softly a few times before pushing it open. The room was dark, but your eyes adjusted fast allowing you to see Dean’s form lying on his… your bed with his back turned to the door.

You didn’t know if he had heard you or not, but if he had he were moving. You took a deep breath hearing Sam’s words play in your head before making your decision.

He won’t find comfort in a bottle. He will in you, Y/N/N.

You quickly undressed down to you tank top and your panties, crawling into bed behind him. You didn’t touch him, but you knew he was aware of your presence by now. Dean was a hunter and if he had been asleep when you entered his room he wasn’t anymore.

“Dean I’m here if you need me,” you whispered, still not sure you were making the right choice. “I love you. You didn’t lose me. If you need space right now that’s okay, but I am still gonna be here when…”

You stopped talking with a gasp, when Dean turned around pulling you tightly against his chest, burying his face in your hair.

“I don’t need space from you, Y/N/N. I need you,” he whispered and you felt the silent tears from his eyes against your hair, just in time with yours wetting his shirt.

“You got me,” you whispered back, wrapping yourself around him like a vine, “Always.”

Dean had been there for everyone else his entire life, but this time he needed someone to be there for him. You were glad he had allowed it to be you. Whatever he needed you would do. You would keep him safe and remind him he was loved. You would help him grieve in his own way and when he found his strength again you would face whatever the world threw at you next, standing right by his side. Dean could get through this himself, but you were there to remind him he didn’t have too. Dean wasn’t alone. As long as you and Sam were breathing, he never would be. Even if you didn’t all, always see the world in the same way, you were always gonna be there for each other.


End file.
